Voyage Through Grace

Anxiety and depression are things I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember.  I’ve heard people talk about chapters of depression, but that is not something I have experienced.  While hardships and struggles have had harder and easier chapters, my emotions have always existed in this negative space; my heart hardening as the years passed.  

In the last few years, employment has been a real source of stress for me.  Around this time two years ago, I had recently purchased my home and life felt like it was finally moving in a positive direction.  Then out of nowhere I found myself unemployed- the place I had been working at was closing and I was given a mere 24 hours notice.  So there I was in a new home, my savings gone and my heart continued to harden. 

I spent the next year on a rollercoaster of unemployment and temporary jobs.  The feelings of defeat that I experienced were greater than I could put into words- being single, almost 30 (at the time) and feeling like my life had no purpose or potential, I was resentful and I blamed God.  

Then just over a year ago I was told about a new restaurant that was going to be opening soon.  Through a friend, I was set up for an interview and ended up accepting a bartending position.  I knew it was a risk, there was no guarantee that this new place would be successful, but I needed a steady job and I was craving a position where there was potential for growth.  

Fast forward to this morning- I got up, after a night of restlessness, pleading with the Lord to take some of this weight off- asking him to renew my spirit.  As I drove to work today, worship music playing, these last few years started playing back to me, which was no doubt God leading my mind.  My work life has been full of extreme highs and lows.   But in 15 months I've worked hard and pushed myself from unemployment to General Manger of the very restaurant I took a risk on.

As I continued to drive, guilt settled in.  I should feel grateful right?  I should be thanking the Lord for blessing this area of my life.  But then that negative voice started creeping in- my dissatisfaction in life has always led me to being a workaholic, but there are still so many things missing.  As thankful as I am that God has been gracious in my career this last year, my life outside of work is empty.  

I will soon be turning 31, I have been single for over 10 years, I don’t have many friendships andthe safe haven of my house is being temporarily disturbed (I'm helping my brother and sis in law by letting them move in for a while).  Despite the blessings God has laid upon me, I continue to find reasons to feel resentful and hard-hearted.  

In the very moment I was ready to tell God all the things he still needs to give me, I was instantly reminded of Jeremiah 29:11...

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

As someone who grew up in the church, this is a verse that is commonly referenced, which can make it an easy one to overlook.  But the sentence kept repeating itself inside me. For He knows the plans He has for me. What a profound statement.  

It's so easy to want to be the captains of our own lives, to push for the things we want. But what peace we could feel if we only took the time to hear Him when He says He's already laid out the path He wants for us. And why wouldn't we want to let Him be the guide if where he's taking us gives us hope and the ultimate future.  

Voyage Through Grace. Thats what I've decided to call this site.  I know that I want Him to be the captain of my voyage, but that's much easier said than done.  So join me, if you like, as I explore what it means and looks like to try and relinquish control and let God be my guide.