#MeToo
The last few days there has been a trend of females, on social media, sharing situations and stories of when they've been made to feel uncomfortable by men. I read these stories and a multitude of feelings fill me. My heart hurts for them, I relate to them, I envy their strength in being able to share.
I didn't have my first kiss until after high school, I wasn't the girl that guys pursued, and that was bothersome. I was never asked on a date, or to prom, etc. I was a girl who had numerous insecurities naturally, and the fact that I felt invisible and unattractive only fueled those feelings.
The summer before my senior year some of my girlfriends and I crossed paths with a few older guys. I didn't know them, but they had gone to our high school previously and had connections to older siblings of friends. I started crushing on one of them, we'll call him P. He was older and so very cute.
The night before I moved to my college dorms I was instant messaging with P. I remember mentioning that I couldn't believe I'd be starting college and hadn't even had my first kiss yet. He invited me over. I can't recall if I snuck out or lied about where I was going, but I went. Things started innocently and he seemed sweet- he kissed me and I blushed. But then his hands were roaming and he was attempting to take off my shirt. I felt trapped in my mind. I wanted to be kissed, I liked him, but this was more than I bargained for. I tried to speak up, slow him down. He was persistent, he was stronger, he told me how crazy I was being, he made me feel guilty. So my first kiss ended up going to third base (or at least what was considered third base over 10 years ago).
That was the first time the voice inside me started to disappear, and hole began to grow in its place.
A few months into college I went to visit my high school best friend, a few hours away, at her campus for a weekend. I met a guy there, we'll call him R. It turned out that he lived fairly close to me, and we kept in touch. R ended up being my first boyfriend. I could write a book about that relationship, so it's difficult to think of how to describe the power he had over me in mere sentences.
R always had this saying- "We love hard, we fight hard. We fight hard because we love hard." That was my introduction into relationships. I didn't know any different. I only ever knew of abuse as being physical. So his manipulation and verbal spewing was just him fighting hard because he loved me. Or at least that's what I told myself- he saw me, I wasn't invisible, this is what love must be. He used manipulation and strength to convince me that I got exactly what I deserved.
R was the second guy to "teach" me that my voice had no power. So I got quieter. And the hole in me continued to grow.
After a few years I was able to leave R's abusive holding on me, but only when I was able to see that there was someone else I could be with, that someone else saw me- D. I dated D for just over a year, he was better to me than R, and to the outside world he adored me. But behind closed doors, my voice was challenged, I was submissive. Eventually, after moving back to California, I was able to muster the strength to end things.
For the next several years through my early to mid 20's I was a mess when it came to men. I didn't see value in myself, my voice seized to exist, and men took advantage. I let physical connections be temporary fillers for the gaping void that continued to grow. I let men push me to places I didn't want to be.
My voice had no power, and I wrongly believed that my body did. But the reality was that I continued to attract men who prey on weakness. Men who major in manipulation. Men who find it easy to view women as objects for their pleasure.
I could take the time describe dozens of circumstances where men pushed themselves on me, made comments that took value away from me. And I want to be strong like the women I've been reading about and hearing from recently, but the truth is, I don't know if I'm ready. There are things that have taken place in my life that have never left my lips. I still struggle with seeing value in my voice, in myself.
But I guess that's the point of this whole voyage for me- trying to find my value through God, seeing myself as He sees me and not allowing the world, or men, or my anxious and insecure mind to dictate my value. I wish I could say it's easy, the truth is I struggle daily, but I believe that He has the power to change my mind- that his light will fill the dark void inside me.
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2
I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20
For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and in Christ you have been brought to fullness. He is the head over every power and authority. Colossians 2:9-10
